


After Cathexis

by lauawill



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-07
Updated: 2012-01-07
Packaged: 2017-10-29 03:51:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/315501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lauawill/pseuds/lauawill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chakotay thanks Janeway for bringing his medicine bundle to sickbay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	After Cathexis

**Author's Note:**

> Nothing deep about this one. I just felt the end of the episode was a little abrupt. I wanted to know what happened _after_ Janeway finished groping the Commander's chest. This takes place several hours later.

It was raining in the desert. He lay still on his pallet and listened to the sheets of water hammer the roof and flow down the slope to splash to the earth below. When he rose at dawn he knew the sand would be pitted with the impressions of the raindrops and the air would be fresh and crisp, clean with the smell of the night's rain and the morning's sun. It was his favorite time, sunrise after a hard rain. He anticipated rising before the others and taking a long walk around the village, examining all the growing things and giving thanks for the water that nourished them. But for now he lay quietly, listening.

His brothers and sisters were close beside him, breathing evenly and deeply in sleep. Aleya, the youngest of them, barely more than a baby, had had a frightening dream in the night and lay pressed against his sheltering side. He stroked her hair gently with one large hand, feeling brave and protective. Funny how, with girls his own age, he was awkward and unsure of himself, but with his younger brothers and sisters the adolescent self-consciousness melted away and left him feeling strong and powerful. It had earned him the role of caretaker among the villagers; he often took the younger children on expeditions into the surrounding desert, where he would teach them the ancient songs, tell them the ancient stories, encourage them to listen to their own inner voices. The village adults had placed their utmost trust in him, and he took care not to disappoint them. The children followed him gladly.

Aleya sighed softly in her sleep and snuggled closer to him. He felt a rush of deep love for her and pulled the scrap of blanket tighter around her shoulders. This is how it should always be, he thought. Morning in the desert would be breathtaking, he knew, but in his heart he hoped that this night would last forever -- that the rain would continue to fall softly, that he could lay safe in the dark surrounded by those he loved best. With another part of his mind, though, he anticipated another night, sometime in the unforeseen future, when those he loved best would include his brothers, sisters, and his own children. And a wife, someone who understood his need to take care of others, who appreciated his gifts and offered him her own. There would be another rainy night when she would lay beside him as well, a child very like Aleya wedged in between them for warmth and comfort. He closed his eyes, wishing he could imagine the woman's face.

After a time the sound of the rain crept into his thoughts, muddling them, and eventually lulling him into sleep.

  
Someone was speaking his name. Before opening his eyes he took in a deep breath scented with antiseptic smells, listened carefully and recognized the beeps and whirrs of computers, the soft hum of engines. The rain was gone, the village, Aleya. He was on the Voyager, in the Sickbay. He sighed softly and opened his eyes.

Kes stood over him, smiling. "Hello there, Commander. How are you feeling?"

He sat up slowly. "Still a little shaky, but all right. How long have I been asleep?"

"Almost twelve hours. The Doctor has released you from Sickbay, if you feel up to it."

He yawned and stretched a little, gingerly testing his body for weakness. "I think I do." He frowned down at himself. "If I could have my clothes back, that is."

Kes turned to a low table beside his bed and retrieved his charred uniform. She glanced up at him, curiosity written on her elfin features. "What were you dreaming about just now? You were smiling, and I wondered..."

He looked inward, remembering. "I was back home, in my village. All my brothers and sisters were there. It was the middle of the night, and it was raining... I was just thinking about getting up and taking a walk in the morning."

"What was it that made you smile?"

"Nostalgia, maybe." He slid off the diagnostic bed and started to pull on his uniform. "I was just a kid. Aleya was about three then, so I must have been fifteen or sixteen. Just before I entered the Academy."

"Aleya?"

"My little sister. She used to follow me everywhere." The lopsided smile returned for a moment. "To school, to the desert, even into Starfleet."

"Is she still in Starfleet now?"

He turned away, the smile gone. "She died two years ago. Killed by Cardassians."

Kes touched his shoulder briefly, sharing his pain. "I'm sorry."

"So am I." Her hand fell away and he realized his response had been sharper than he'd intended, his voice more gruff. His feelings for Aleya still lay very close to the surface. He missed her desperately, missed the unruly mop of black hair bobbing up and down whenever she ran to hug him, missed the Cheshire cat smile, so different from his own, missed the warm brown eyes that looked up to him with such awe and trust. And the one time she'd needed him most to protect her, he'd been far away from her, on some cursed Starfleet errand...

He shoved the thoughts away angrily, forcing himself to return to the present, and faced Kes. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you."

Kes gave him a knowing look. "It's all right, Commander. I understand."

She lowered her eyes discreetly as he fumbled with the fasteners on his uniform. His hands were numb and clumsy, and he realized with a shock that having a body again felt more than a little odd. Eventually he managed to set everything to rights, including his boots, and began to remove the stones from the medicine wheel hung above the diagnostic bed. Kes watched with curiosity.

"I was here when B'Elanna performed the ritual for you," she said. "She was very concerned about doing everything correctly."

Chakotay almost smiled, picturing the grim engineer hovering over his still and lifeless form, whispering ancient words in a tongue she only half understood. He must remember to thank her. "The ritual is very important to my tribe. B'Elanna knows there is no one else who can perform it for me."

"Maybe you should teach someone else on the ship how to do it."

He shook his head, not taking his eyes from the work. "It's a very private ritual. You have to choose carefully who will perform it."

"Then you should find someone you would trust with it. Someone close to you. In case something should happen to B'Elanna -- " He glanced at her sharply and she left the sentence unfinished.

He carefully wrapped the medicine wheel and tucked it under his arm, intending to retire to his quarters for the night, when his eyes fell on a second hide-wrapped parcel near the diagnostic bed: his medicine bundle. He gathered it into his arms as well. "Did B'Elanna bring this too?"

"No, the Captain brought it while you were asleep."

His eyes widened in surprise. "The Captain was here?"

Kes nodded. "Most of the Command crew was here to see you before the Doctor completed the reintegration procedure. A lot of them came back while you were sleeping. The Captain thought you might want that --" she indicated the bundle he held "-- when you woke up, so she went to your quarters to get it for you."

Chakotay leaned back against the bed and let that information sink in. Most of the Command crew had been there, and Janeway had even thought to bring his medicine bundle. Apparently, he had several people to thank for their concern, not just B'Elanna.

He reached out and squeezed Kes' thin shoulder. "I appreciate all your help, Kes. Thank the Doctor for me too."

"I will. Do you want someone to walk you back to your quarters?"

He smiled and shook his head. "Do I look that bad?"

She escorted him to the door of the Sickbay. "Good night, Commander."

"Good night."

The door slid open before they reached it and B'Elanna sailed in, followed closely by Harry Kim, who ran headlong into Chakotay. "Commander! We were just coming to see if you were awake."

Kes drifted quietly back into the Sickbay, leaving them alone. "I woke up a few minutes ago. Apparently, I've been released from custody here."

B'Elanna nodded in approval. "I'm glad to hear it."

"So you've missed me?" he teased.

She snorted. "Hardly. But nobody's beaten Tom Paris at pool all day, and he's beginning to get on everyone's nerves."

"I might not be quite up to pool yet, but I'll see what I can do."

They walked with him into the corridor. "It's good to have you back," Harry said. "Feels like the family is whole again."

Chakotay groaned. "Don't start thinking of me as some benevolent patriarch. I'm much too young to be your father, you know."

B'Elanna rolled her eyes. "No, you're more like the sadistic, demented older brother none of us ever wanted."

Chakotay laughed out loud. "I'll remember that, B'Elanna, don't think I won't." He moved off down the corridor. "Good night, you two."

"Good night, Commander."

"Glad you're feeling better, sir. Good night."

He turned and watched them depart together, Harry's eyes on her, wide with shock. "Torres, I can't believe you said that! He's the First Officer, and you just called him sadistic and demented!"

Even though her back was turned to him, Chakotay imagined he could see her roll her eyes. "Aw, come on, Starfleet. You've got to loosen up a little..." Her dark mane swayed slightly as she walked, and Chakotay was reminded of something, someone he could not immediately identify.

He shook his head and started away in the opposite direction.

It took him almost half an hour to make his way back to his quarters. Every few meters a crew member or two, some Starfleet, some Maquis, stopped him to express their concern about his health, their relief that he was feeling better and would be back on duty soon. The experience reminded him of a day years ago, when his father had walked through the village for the first time after several weeks' illness. Family and friends poured from their houses to greet him, welcoming him back into their day-to-day lives, confirming him as part of their society. Chakotay reflected that this crew, in their own way, was doing the same thing. The effort moved him more than he dared admit.

In the comparative silence of his quarters, he replaced the hide-bound bundles in their proper locations, shouldered into clean clothes and sat down in front of his computer terminal. He was surprised to find his personal "mailbox" full of messages sent by the crew during his incapacitation -- an invitation from Tom Paris to join him at Sandrine's as soon as he felt up to it, a rundown of the night's dinner menu from Neelix, just in case he felt like eating, even a polite and restrained glad-you'll-be-back-on-duty-soon message from Tuvok. One message in particular piqued his curiosity. Captain Janeway's face hovered before him with a slight smile.

"Kes suggested that we all record get-well messages for you, Commander," she began. "I'm not sure where to start, but...

"It's been a very quiet day here on the Bridge while you've been asleep. Too quiet, in fact. Tom Paris keeps trying to lighten the mood but his jokes are falling flat, Tuvok is spouting logic unchecked, and Harry... Well, Harry hasn't said a word all day. I think something's got him depressed, but he's not about to share it with me. So we need you up here Commander." She cocked her head to one side, contemplating her next words. "Before the reintegration procedure, it felt like you were still here. Now we're all missing your presence. So enjoy your rest, and get well soon. And if you feel up to it, come join me this evening for a bite to eat. Janeway out."

Chakotay considered the dark screen for a moment. He had been on the Bridge with her during the most heated moments of the crisis. He had even shared her consciousness for a second, and in that instant he had sensed her thought, clear as a shout in an empty room: I wish Chakotay were here. And he remembered his own answer: I am here. He wasn't sure she had heard him at the time, but somehow, maybe he had been able to communicate his presence to her. The thought warmed him in unexpectedly pleasant ways.  


He sat back in his chair, his bare feet propped up on his desk, and stared up at the ceiling for a long moment. The thought occurred to him that she was probably just next door, just a few meters away, reading, maybe writing a report, maybe preparing for bed, brushing out her long hair...

Chakotay jumped up and grabbed his medicine bundle, intending to march into her quarters for that suggested bite to eat. Almost as an afterthought, he paused to pull on his boots, and in a matter of seconds he was pressing her door buzzer, feeling excited, amused, and not a little bit nervous.

She greeted him in the doorway. "I was about to call down to Sickbay to see if you were awake. How are you feeling?"

"All right. A little disoriented, but otherwise fine."

She gestured him to sit down, then joined him on the low couch. "Disoriented?" Her expression spoke eloquently of her unvoiced concern.

He nodded. "I know I was only...disembodied...for a few hours, but I grew accustomed to it. Walking still feels a little funny, if you can believe that."

She patted his arm. "I'm sure it'll come back. Meanwhile, are you hungry? I brought a tray down from the mess hall a little while ago, but found I wasn't as hungry as I thought."

She darted into the sleeping area of her quarters and returned with a plate of food, which she placed before him with an odd little flourish. "Don't worry, everything's vegetarian."

He looked up at her in surprise. "Stopped eating meat, have you?"

"No, I just don't trust Neelix's methods of preparation quite yet."

He picked up a large and heavy item, something like a huge purple grapefruit. She smiled at his choice. "Those are pretty good, very sweet. Hard to peel."

He fumbled with the fruit for a few seconds before she gently took it from his fingers. "Here. let me show you." She expertly flicked the rind away in one long strip, then handed the sticky inside back to him. He saw her resist the urge to lick her fingers and smiled.

They ate in companionable silence for some time until all the exotic fruits were gone and only an odd assortment of rinds and seeds was left. Finally he sat back on the couch and gazed down at her, smiling slightly.

"Commander?"

"I want to thank you for bringing my medicine bundle to Sickbay. That was very considerate of you."

"I just thought you might want it." She folded her legs neatly beneath her, turning sideways on the couch so she could gaze at him more directly. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

Her eyes regarded him with the intensity of burning suns. "What was it like?"

"What was what like?"

"Being disembodied." She waved one thin hand in an all-encompassing gesture. "Floating free around the ship."

He frowned, searching for words to describe the experience that she would understand. "Well, I suppose it was a little like sleep-flying."

"Sleep-flying?"

"Yes. My people believe that sometimes when we are asleep and we dream, the soul goes on a journey. Some journeys are walking journeys, others are running. Flying journeys are the most rare, and the most significant." He shrugged slightly. "At first I actually thought that's what it was. Once I realized that I wasn't dead, that is. But then when I couldn't leave the confines of the ship, I decided maybe it was something else."

She nodded. "So you've had these...these flying journeys before?"

"Only once, when I was young. On the night before I underwent the rite of adulthood." He had intended to leave the story at that, but something in her unwavering, endlessly curious eyes compelled him to continue. "I was left alone in the desert for three days without food and with just enough water to survive. On the night of the second day I started to become delirious from exposure, and I experienced a vision quest. I went sleep-flying."

"Where did you go?"

His gaze wandered over the room as he remembered. "I floated over the desert and back to the village. I visited my parents, and my brothers and sisters, and then I looked in at all the other people in the village. Then I flew away, up into the night sky, into the stars...." He took a deep, ragged breath and his voice, never much louder than a low whisper, became almost inaudible. "For a long time I sailed through the stars. I could fly right into them without feeling their heat, and the light was incredible. It was everywhere, it took me in as if I had always been a part of it. It was so beautiful..." His eyelids drifted shut and he shook his head slightly. "I'm sorry. I can't express exactly what it felt like."

Janeway touched his shoulder lightly. "You expressed yourself eloquently, Commander. You always do."

He turned and met her gaze and almost gasped in shock at what he saw there. Her eyes, moist with emotion, seared his skin where they touched him. The light, he thought suddenly, was like the light from your eyes... For a few seconds he sat immobile, unaware of everything but the touch of her hand and the light in her eyes.

Her sharp voice yanked him back to reality. "Commander? Are you all right?"

He nodded his head vigorously, unable to speak for a moment. "You're very pale." She rose and started to help him to his feet. "Here, let me walk you to Sickbay."

Using his considerably greater mass as an anchor, he pulled her back to the couch. "No, I'm all right. Just a little dizziness. It'll pass."

"Are you sure?" She kept both hands locked firmly onto his upper arm in an attempt to steady him. "The Doctor said you would be all right after you got some sleep, but maybe you should still take it easy for a while."

"Don't worry, I plan to." He looked down at her white hands where they clasped his arm and suddenly remembered the feel of those hands on his bare flesh. A flush spread through him, rising from the pit of his stomach to the top of his head, leaving his scalp tingly and numb. He imagined that to anyone with a heat sense, he would look like an active volcano right now, with lava spurting out of his hair follicles. The ridiculous image brought a smile to his lips.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing, nothing."

"So did you pass the rite?"

"What rite?"

She rolled her eyes at him. "Maybe I should order you to Sickbay after all. The rite of adulthood. Remember?" A mischievous grin played on her lips. "Did you become a man, Commander?"

He matched her bantering tone. "In the eyes of my tribe, yes. I was recognized as an adult the next morning. But I became a man long before I passed the rite."

She gave him a sidelong glance, contemplating the remark, then nodded briskly. "Well, I'm glad you passed. Can't have too many adolescents running around my ship. One Tom Paris is enough for any crew."

Startled, Chakotay laughed out loud.

Janeway smiled up at him with great affection and warmth. Again she reached out to him, this time brushing his hand. "It's good to have you back, Commander."

On impulse, he clasped her fingers in his own, surprised by their thin boniness. Her hands had always looked so strong to him before... "Thank you. It's good to be back."

He squeezed her fingers lightly and then let go, reaching behind him for the hide wrapped bundle. "I brought something to show you."

She seized on it eagerly with an overpowering curiosity that amused him. "I thought you'd never tell me what was in there!"

He lowered himself to the floor and began to unwrap the bundle. In an instant he felt her slide down beside him. "This is my medicine wheel."

"Yes, I saw it in the Sickbay. B'Elanna told me a little about it." She tentatively reached out to one of the stones. "May I?"

"Go ahead." She carefully raised each stone to her face and examined its details, then bent over to study the wheel itself. He imagined that in a matter of minutes she would have every feature memorized. He let her investigate without interruption, then finally spoke when she turned to him and nodded.

"I want to show you how this works."

"I'm honored, Commander."

He smiled. "I knew you would understand how important this is to me. But before we start, can I ask you a question?"

She raised her eyebrows with interest.

"Why is it that you call everyone on this ship by their names -- Harry, Tom, B'Elanna, even Tuvok -- but you always call me 'Commander'?"

Janeway opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again. Her expression was an odd mix of embarrassment and surprise. "Do I do that? I never noticed."

"Yes, you do. I have a name, you know. It's Chakotay."

She gave him a wide, brilliant smile. "All right, Chakotay. Where do we start?"

For a second he found it difficult to speak around the lump that had formed in his throat. But soon he found his voice and slowly bent his head near hers, the medicine wheel spread out before them, starlight streaming in on their serene faces.


End file.
